This post is part of a series that I’m writing about something that I believe is rare for families who live with an aggressive special needs adult. Our story is about the transformation of Graham, a violent young man who is being taught to independently control himself and who now participates as part of a family. It is a story about how he has learned to join OUR life and that the world is not centered around him. It is a story of hope for us in that as we continue to teach Graham coping skills and give him firm boundaries, he will never physically hurt anyone again.
This story is dark before it gets better. No really – it gets better! I will try to paint an accurate-as-possible picture of how bad Graham’s behaviors used to be and how it affected all around him in order to better appreciate who he is becoming.
I have never ‘formally’ met Graham. He was a 7 year old kid that I saw at church every now and then 15 years ago IF a volunteer would agree to sit in a room and watch him so his family could attend the service. It was a small church – everyone knew who he was. People would ask politely how he was doing and hoped the answer would be positive.
There were stories. Stories about this family in distress receiving no useful help and pictures of a bloodied face after a Graham attack.
His dad was stressed, his mom severely depressed (UNDERSTANDABLE), their 2 other children (Graham’s brother & sister) kept up a good attitude. Sitters for a kid like Graham were few and far between. Even if there was a sitter, the preparation for it was obnoxious. It was not easy for them to leave to do anything all together, so they really didn’t do that much.
His dad (Scott, now my hubby) couldn’t visit his aging parents out of state as much as he’d like because he was Graham’s primary caregiver. Hubby took the responsibility for the day-to-day care. He also took the brunt of Graham’s wrath if things weren’t done to his liking.
Graham was trouble and his family suffered. Scott’s work suffered. He would be called home on a regular basis to rescue someone at school or at home from a Graham attack. His family lived with an obese football player sized guy in his late teens where violence and aggression loomed daily, weekly, monthly.
While I didn’t know him personally until 3 1/2 years ago, these stories were filed away in my brain under the ‘too much trouble for me to absorb – steer clear from Graham!’ category.
Fast forward: Should we or shouldn’t we?
There I was having discussions with Scott about making the choice to live under the same roof with Graham – and by the way – bring along my 2 young boys with me – no problem. Scott tried to emphasize the risks and insisted that he continue to do 100% of Graham’s care. He wanted to protect me by minimizing my presence with Graham. I insisted that I would of course help with the duties (like I’m really just going to sit back and not pitch in?) and told him not to worry, I’d be just fine. 🙂
I chose to suppress that Graham file from my brain and mildly disregard Scott’s warnings because Of Course everything would be fine! How could it not be? And because I’m a control freak, I would just make sure of that.
Graham was now 18 years old and was approaching 6 feet tall, weighing close to 200 pounds. I am 5’3 and weigh waaaay less than him. 😉
Fast forward: Moving in
It was late at night, we were tired. The boys were spending the night at their dad’s house. I was at the house alone with Graham while Scott was packing up another load to bring over in a little bit. Graham needed help going potty in the small upstairs bathroom before going to bed. I followed him in there. Within just a few minutes, Graham attacked me. He was standing over me, squealing in his loudest voice. His hands tightly gripping and pulling my hair as hard as he could. His nails digging into my scalp. The door was closed and I could not get away. My cell phone was in my back pocket. I reached for it and managed to dial Scott’s number in the commotion. I yelled “Graham’s got me, please come home”.